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Open Heart Surgery. (Entry #1)

Well here goes nothin.

I'm going to be very honest and tell you that I have been hiding lately. Yes I know, that's not really anything new. I've talked about hiding before...but it's getting worse. Now I'm not only hiding...I'm disconnecting. Disconnecting from everyone and everything. I'm told pain will do that. At some point the baggage just gets too heavy. Whether it's pain, grief, betrayal, loss, heartbreak, name it, it all becomes TOO MUCH.

I had a rough session with B. last week.

B. is my therapist.... my life boat.... my inner voice on the days I can't hear God... and to be transparent, that's most days lately.

B. tells me it's time for open heart surgery. She says I've been pushing through for far too long and I need to face it. "IT" meaning all the trauma, my back story, the pain that keeps me from finishing my book, or my album... I get asked all the time.. "When is the album going to release? When is the book gonna be done?" I have no answers... because I'm frozen and scared out of mind to finish either one.

B. took one hard look at me this week and got brutally honest... in so many words she basically said I need to finally come to grips with what keeps me suspended in space and unable to move. I need to finally unpack what put me in her office in the first place.... the "almost nervous breakdown". She said it's time to take off the bandaids... to open the wounds... because I'm still bleeding... and if I am ever going to recover I need "surgery" to fix what's wrong.

I don't know exactly what that means... It makes my stomach hurt when I think about it... and I hate the fact that I have issues. I want to brush them aside and move on. I feel like I am really good at that. Pushing through is all I know. I do realize that if I follow her advice (and of course I will because I do everything B. tells me to).... I'm going to have to go back to the very beginning.

I know I will find answers in the unraveling...the unraveling of self and circumstance... carefully unpacking the past. I know I will find my way out when I begin to untangle it all. I've also decided I'm going to go through that process here.... with all of you.

I'm sure most would suggest using a journal to unravel and process.. a personal space where I can dump it all and then hide it away in a closet so no one else will ever find it. But what good does that do? I've always felt it's important to share so others don't feel so alone... so I don't feel so alone. Having said that... I decided to go with a blog instead...Only because maybe... this will help you too. Maybe you are also sitting where I am.

I'm honestly afraid... scared to death that I will be trolled, judged, and criticized for doing this...but honestly I'm more afraid of keeping the lessons and the failures to myself.

In spite of the fact that some of my deepest hurts and betrayals have come from people wishing, waiting and hoping for me to fail, I am more afraid of what the aftermath will look like if I don't live in a place of vulnerability. Yes, the trolling and gossip has been rather intense...BUT...

I will not let the noise win.

I will not lose my voice.

I will not lose who I was or who I am meant to become... because of the people in the stands...

I will NOT hide anymore. (welll let's be honest.... this is still debatable.)

So here goes nothin.

I am going to walk this road with you. I'm inviting you into the operating room with me. I am only asking for one favor as I begin to unpack the last 20 years... please be patient with me. There may be some of you who do not agree with what I have to say here in this space... who may get angry by it... that's okay. Just understand this... I am ready to own my truth... not your truth... my truth. My truth and my story belong to me and only me... You may want to tell me how I should feel, how I should heal, or how I should "fix" it all.... and I may or may not take your advice ;) In fact, rather than advice... this heart is fragile so I could use a whole lot of support instead... as do so so many of you subscribing to this blog.

So let's stand together... honoring one another.

In exchange for your support..I will also stand with you... when you decide to step into the operating room for yourself. You see we are all meant to find our way there at some point...we are all meant to find we get there...depends on us.

If we ever find it...also depends on us.

I'm rooting for you and I hope you'll root for me....Together.... maybe we can all find peace... and a better way forward... holding space that heals others.. because we had enough courage to first heal ourselves.



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