I Don't Do Crowds.

I don't do crowds.... at least not well anyway. I'm told this makes me an introvert. Call me what you want... but it makes me wanna hyperventilate and hide in a bathroom stall for as long as possible. Truth.

I prefer... small group settings... where I know everyone of course... because otherwise, a small group setting is worse than the crowd... too close and personal. What's crazy is on the flipside... that's exactly what I need and love more than anything... up close and personal relationships... where I can see the crevices of a heart and they can see mine.

I take the roads less traveled...There is no need to look for me where everyone else is... You won't find me there. I find following the crowd is boring and a waste of time.. in most cases the path of least resistance is a dead end... and that's where the crowd usually goes... every time.

I prefer....the climb. Not that I enjoy pain and uncertainty... not that I encourage teetering on cliffs and flirting with the edge of crazy... BUT... I've found the uphill journey... the unchartered path... is usually where I grow. I enjoy new life... new ideas... change. I enjoy chipping away at debris and brush and creating something new... a path that wasn't there before. And I don't mind walking it alone... if that's what it takes.

I tend to go against the flow and challenge... well.. basically the institution of anything. I've been called a rebel... an instigator... I've even been called LOST....hell... when I left for Nashville... I was told by extended relatives that singing in a bar would wreck my life and be a horrible example for others... I had a voice and if I used it incorrectly... it would be taken from me. (More on this during my next Open heart Surgery Post) They told me I was serving the "wrong crowd".... whatever.

I prefer... standing up against dogma.... I will NOT agree with something I do not believe in. Even if it's the common mindset...Even if it costs my reputation. So into the bars I go. Singing my heart out... and even talking about Jesus. Yep that's right. Nothing at all wrong with "that crowd".

I'm not a people pleaser. I rarely chase relationships... in fact I run from most of them. I'm not sure why I do this... I struggle letting people in... maybe because the more I let in...the bigger the crowd becomes...and remember.. I don't do crowds.

I prefer... surrounding myself with those who push me to be better but also accept me... exactly where I am. I prefer relationships that respect boundaries and embrace different. I prefer engaging with the heart... you can't do that in a crowded room... and the people I do want to please... they are my inner circle... yes I have one... you need one too. I would walk through fire for them and I know they'd do the same for me.

I will never be called the "Life of the Party"... I wish those words defined me... but they don't. I will slip in... greet a few people... hug whoever happens to cross my path... seek out those I know and hover... because I'm freakin scared to death I might have to talk to someone I don't know... I then smile at the few I haven't seen in months and tell them how much I've missed them... because I really have....and then I start to fidget.. because I don't do crowds well... cue... time to leave... then I'm out the door... and that's if I even show up to the party at all.

I prefer one on one... where two or three are gathered. I prefer late night conversations and early morning coffee... deep conversations... the kind you drown in. I like walking away different... changed somehow... I like the get togethers that leave me stunned because my thoughts and perspective has been challenged... or saying goodbye at the end of the night with a full heart because I poured out and someone else poured back in... filling me up again.

I cheer for the underdog. The popular ones never impress me.

I prefer screaming from the stands and cheering on the person no one expects to win. You won't hear my voice in the crowd... unless that crowd is fighting for justice... then of course I will join in. But you see even justice is the underdog... it's easier to cheer for the way it's always been than to stand up for they way it should be....

Yeah I don't do crowds well... I wish I could... and I WILL keep trying... but if you see me... flailing.. just don't mind me... ignore my awkwardness... or actually maybe just rescue me instead.... because in spite of hating crowds... I do LOVE making new friends :)