"I've been through the fire
came out anything but gold
been baptized in the water
it left me feelin cold
I was looking for a way to change things, erase things
runnin from a memory
now I'm livin right in the middle, a little
pain isnt such a bad thing....."
There ya have it... the lyrics to the first verse of Track 7 - IT IS WHAT IT IS.
I'm not one to pretend. I used to be. I used to wear the mask 24/7. Always sporting a smile when underneath was a river of grief just begging to be let loose... After Adama died I functioned on pills. Ya know... so I could keep up the facade. I used pills to help me sleep at night. During the day I used pills to keep the pain in my chest at bay. I couldn't take the time to process what had happened.. because I had to keep going. I had to find away to pretend it never happened.
Pretending... didn't work.
I started therapy and realized that part of our story is living and breathing through the hard. Giving it a voice so that we can eventually bury it and rise again from the ash of all the undoing. Understanding that no matter how often we pretend, no matter how hard we try to shelve feelings, emotions, and pain... it WILL find us. It demands a reckoning. Pain wants to wrestle with us and it intends on winning every single time.
But if we are strong enough... it won't. It won't hold us hostage forever.
It may leave an impression, a scar on the skin...it may change us, but it doesn't own us, it doesn't get the last word.
I've learned that strength comes from letting life be what it is... and living through what that actually looks like. Not forcing my will, but accepting the fallouts. Accepting the failures and the defeats. Strength doesn't come from the battle of my will against the universe and all it's plans.. forcing myself to win. It isn't my plan against God's... but instead strength comes in the laying down of it all... recognizing my life isn't mine at all.
I finally realize after all these years that I have ZERO say in how my life turns out... I don't control the steering wheel. I can't see into the future and I cannot change the past. All I can do is live in the middle of the right here and the right now... making the best choices I can with the little view I have of the road ahead.
For some of us... the right here and right now is a season of success, happiness, accomplishment... for others the right here and right now is pain, grief, loss...you get the point.
We can run from pain. We can numb the pain. But in the end.... our legs will give out. We can't run forever. We have to reckon with the pain. It isn't a foreign invader after all... it's the bleeding out of our own heart and soul... and it deserves to have it's space... we are human after all. We are meant to feel and process and break down. We are also meant to rebuild, to reset, to start again.
Even to rise again, just maybe differently.
I've found that living inside the pain for seasons here and there, has caused me to feel all sorts of things. I have empathy, compassion and love for other people in a way I never have before. The judgement I used to carry and was taught to extend... is GONE. I feel more human, more fragile, more whole. I know that sounds crazy... but giving my pain a voice has actually brought healing somehow. Healing I never expected. I thought I'd live with the aftermath... the pain... forever. But the beautiful thing is... our hearts learn to beat again.
That brings me back around to THIS song. I wrote it as an anthem. A reminder. Here's a bit of the chorus... be watching for the release on April 29th...
It is what it is.
It was what it was.
It will be what it will be, and I'll become what I'll become.
It is what is it... and it was...
what it was.
**Visit Instagram for a soundbyte of the song***