When I decided it was time to hide away and write the album it was no surprise to me that this song was the one that tumbled out first.
I've found over the years as my platform has broadened and as I've found my own voice, that not everyone appreciates what I have to say or what I stand for. Nor do they support the mountains I've decided to climb and the dreams I've chosen to pursue. Long time friends not only refused to celebrate me in my successes but also disappeared during my darkest struggles.
On top of all that, there are the trolls. The people who pretend they know you, they wear the mask around you that says "safe space" and "friend", but behind your back their main goal is to basically... well... destroy you and everything you love. Simply because they are insecure in themselves.
I've found that the further out of the box you climb... the harder it is to determine who is for you, and who is against you. Every word you say, every blog you write, every social media post you put out into the world is measured with intense scrutiny. You see there are those people who bring the Judas of the bible back to life... literally Judas reincarnate. They are waiting and wishing for you to fail miserably. They smile to your face and pretend they have your back, but behind the scenes they are making deals with the devil... taking part in drama, gossip, and division. They are bound by jealousy, self-doubt, self-hate, and carry so much of their own shame they have to get rid of it all somehow... so they dump it on you. They look for anything and everything they can to use against you, to trip you up, to call you out, to break your heart, to poke holes in your character and to destroy your reputation.
When I think about the real Judas, I think about how quickly his deal with the devil put Jesus on the cross. He had a choice, he could have remained loyal to the man he called brother, but instead he turned his back, joined forces with the enemy, and was directly responsible for Jesus' arrest and crucifixtion. One man's dark heart was all it took to take down the one who came only to love him.
Of course we all know the story didn't end there. Christ was bigger than Judas. His purpose was predestined. His life could not be stifled, he rose again and saved the whole freakin world.
All this brings me back to why I wrote Glass House.
I can remember sitting in Cannes France a year ago.
Now I know... come on...of course I'm no Jesus. Not the point. But I did have a few "friends" who decided to play the role of "Judas" in my own small, insignificant life. The rumors were rough, so gross and ugly and fiercely intentional. It's sad to know that the hate for me was so intense they were casting the kind of shadows that could have destroyed my family and my kids. Can you believe people can be that dark inside?
I couldn't. I couldn't understand why. It was breaking down my heart. I was hiding away afraid to move in any direction whatsoever because the scrutiny was so over the top...
One night I went to dinner with two lovely people. Crystal Archie and Sarah Robbins. Both upline leaders and dear friends of mine. Crystal has always been great at cheering me on and being louder than my naysayers... .she's led me well and rescued my heart many times...but this was the first time I had the chance to really sit down and spend time with Sarah. As we ate and drank and took in the sights of France, I listened to their stories of hardship in the business. Wow had they been through the fire. Relationships destroyed by gossip and drama, their hearts broken over and over again. I quickly realized I wasn't alone in my glass house. They lived in one too. And it looked eerily similar to mine. The only difference between them and me... they refused to hide.
They refused to hide because in a glass house... you can't.
Sarah poured into me that night. She shared her own struggles, how she rose out of them. She gave me advice on how to protect my heart, how to recognize a real friend from the Judas in my camp... she talked about healthy boundaries, what my walls should look like, and how to stay vulnerable in spite of the deep desire to run. She also reminded me to love the Judas'... love them for they know not what they do.
And then when I least expected it... she looked me dead in the eye and spoke my future back into existence. I can remember the love and affirmation I felt when her arms wrapped around me and she told me I would not only rise out of this, but all the dreams and purposes I was destined for WOULD COME to FRUITION... nothing would be able to stop it.
I realized that night that when you rise up, you rise up different. You dust the dirt off your shoes and you walk away. You may have to leave people behind and that's okay. Don't worry about Judas... the one throwing stones at your windows...their arms will eventually tire and the weight of every stone they carry will eventually destroy them... not you.
The one who sticks with you... the friends who have your back... the ones not afraid of sitting inside your glass house with you... they are meant to stay. They are the armor, they will protect and sharpen you, reminding you that even though it feels lonely sometimes, you are NOT ALONE.
That night in Cannes, I didn't feel alone.
That night, I rose again.
As I listened to Sarah talk, I studied her. Behind the smile was a woman who had been attacked.. more times than I could count. And she wasn't afraid to show me that. Yet, in spite of the dark she'd walked through... she was still a raging fire...illuminated. She was still standing. I realized the house she lived in..was glass too. It comes with the territory. She will never escape it. She knows that. And I'm finding I finally understand that truth also applies to myself.
We ALL live in glass houses. We will never get out. No matter how hard we try.... when we choose a different path, when we deal with a public struggle, when we choose vulnerability, when we wear our hearts on our sleeves, we have to understand people are always watching... it's easy for them to stare and point and judge what you do inside your house... because they live in glass houses too... they just don't realize it yet.
One day they will.
I came home from France and decided to take my life back. I replaced my broken windows, cleaned the glass... made sure the view was as clear as possible... ya know... for all of those who want to watch and talk about the life inside my house. I mean if they're gonna talk... I wanna make sure they have plenty to see ;)
Then I invited a few people in... Thankfully they aren't scared of the glass house.
So with the most incredible friends and family gathered round...rooting for my heart... I poured it out... one chapter and song at a time.
I think GRAY speaks for itself. I hope this album does too.
Remember,
Don't be afraid to show up. You might as well because you can't hide forever.
Own your truth, live it loud.
When your glass house feels too isolating and you feel over exposed... hang in there... and remember I live in one too.
Fix your broken windows, open the front door, let the breeze come in... it's your house after all...
Your purpose and heart cry... is smack dab in the middle of it.
Oh and remember, I'm cheering for you.
XOXO