I've been camping out on this thought for the last few weeks.... as I've been writing for my record...unpacking past and current relationships.... I find myself saying this over and over again every time I step foot into the shower... every time I close my eyes... every time I find a bit of peace and quiet...my mind shifts to this one phrase....
"I never really knew if you were the lighthouse... or the storm."
This brings me to the world of ambivalent relationships.... you know the kind... the relationships where you are not quite sure where you stand. You don't know if the person loves you or despises you... you don't know if they are happy for you or if they secretly hope for you to fail.... you don't know if they have your back or if they would be the first to insert the knife....
I think it's important to understand these relationships are not only toxic... they are deadly. They place us in a space where we continually question our worth, where we tiptoe to avoid real conversation... where we wear masks to avoid truth... where we lose sense of reality while dancing on a pretend stage.. trying to keep it all in motion... a friendship... that actually doesn't exist at all... at least not on a foundation of anything true.
Maybe you find this strange space...not in a friendship but in other relationships... maybe it's a spouse or a family member... or a business relationship...
Are they the lighthouse or are they the storm?
How do you know? How can you tell? How can you discern this simple fact when the relationship sits inside a strange haze?
Here are my TOP 10 tell-all signs the person in your life is a safe place... your personal Lighthouse.....
1. This person loves you despite your crazy and allows you to sit in the crazy till you find your way back to sane.
2. They call you out but love you in spite of.... This isn't a space of judgment but of empathy and "Let's walk through this dark space together".
3. They point you in a direction of hope... they point out your strengths and magnify your ability to chase the big stuff... the hard stuff... bottom line... they ROOT FOR YOU.
4. What they say to your face... they say behind your back. They NEVER sit among the gossip of others... they consider someone trashing you... the same as someone trashing them... and refuse to participate in ANYTHING that might paint you in an unlovely light.
5. They are loyal... they back you up even when you're freakin wrong...
6. When you're yelling at your kids and running from your life and desperate for someone to just LISTEN... to just SIT with you in the madness you are trying to sort out in your mind... they REFUSE to leave you alone.
7. When you tell them to go... They STAY.
8. They call you a queen when you feel like a failure and celebrate you when you nail that big win....
9. They admit they are as confused, and crazy, and lost, and broken, and aching as you are.... They never leave you in your own madness and pretend they don't have their own...
10. There is ZERO competition.... ZERO.
If your "friend" or "spouse" doesn't fit the majority of these categories... with 100% certainty... they are NOT your lighthouse... and Lovelies... only you can determine if they are the storm.
P.S.
You can't look at relationships and not address your own responsibility in them... So another BIG question to ask yourself... Are YOU someone's lighthouse... or are you the storm? If you are a storm.... blowing apart someone else's world with gossip, competition, jealousy, judgement, etc.... STOP... for the LOVE OF GOD... just STOP. Pull yourself together... you are meant for community... you are meant to be loved... but if you're not careful... one day you will find everyone you know has run for cover... and you'll be left cleaning up the mess you made... alone. You can change that ending though...you can choose to be a lighthouse... it's all up to YOU.
P.S.S.
Know this... EVERY SINGLE WORD I've written... I've applied to myself first... There is no condemnation here. Just honesty.