I've been camping out on this thought for the last few weeks.... as I've been writing for my record...unpacking past and current relationships.... I find myself saying this over and over again every time I step foot into the shower... every time I close my eyes... every time I find a bit of peace and quiet...my mind shifts to this one phrase....
"I never really knew if you were the lighthouse... or the storm."
This brings me to the world of ambivalent relationships.... you know the kind... the relationships where you are not quite sure where you stand. You don't know if the person loves you or despises you... you don't know if they are happy for you or if they secretly hope for you to fail.... you don't know if they have your back or if they would be the first to insert the knife....
I think it's important to understand these relationships are not only toxic... they are deadly. They place us in a space where we continually question our worth, where we tiptoe to avoid real conversation... where we wear masks to avoid truth... where we lose sense of reality while dancing on a pretend stage.. trying to keep it all in motion... a friendship... that actually doesn't exist at all... at least not on a foundation of anything true.