Open Heart Surgery (Entry #5)


I continue to stare at this blank page. I start typing ferociously...dump my guts...and then I read it back to myself... almost throw up... and delete it all...

And then the cycle starts all over again.

I don't really know where to go next. To be honest.

I wanna talk about a few truths that I know will resonate... I need to get it off my chest and reckon with it... that's what writing is for me... a place of solace.. also a place of reckoning...

But...

I'm scared of hurting someone....

I know if I bring up certain things from the past... it may cause pain...or shock those who knew me "then"... My blunt statements may cause someone to lose their breath... to shake their head... and say "What has happened to her?".... or "She's lost it"....

I've become fully aware that my voice carries far... and I don't want to be misunderstood. I don't want to be trolled... But I also HAVE TO BE REAL.

I can't continue writing here in this platform and not give it to you straight.... I can't be someone who only scratches the surface.

I am not a crowd pleaser...

clearly... ;)

So I guess I'm saying... I'm gathering my courage... to post my next Open Heart Surgery Entry...

So what's the point of this one??

I guess to show up... even when I can't come through... I am STILL SHOWING UP. We are not always ready to jump. Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing... and the steps required cause us to lose our nerve and run the other direction.

Like for real... I literally have chest pains right now.

Freakin anxiety... I HATE IT....

But I've learned those chest pains always mean I'm about to step into something that matters... so I will breathe in and out...

and count to 10....

and soon... I will try this OHS entry again... and maybe I'll find the words next time...

Until then... I plan on drinking another glass of iced coffee... because dang it's good.

Cheers to a failed blog entry... now ...

Moving on :)

XOXO.


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