I hide. I do. I can't help it. I hide from SO.MANY.THINGS.
FIRST...I hide from my kids... because how else would I stay sane?
I hide in my closet (This is where I eat things I've hidden from my kids...because if I didn't they would eat me out of house and home... rotten teenagers. I consume halloween candy from last year, wine, cupcakes from Trader Joe's...ya know all those yummy things that make us feel better about our current circumstance).
I hide in my bathroom (I pretend I'm peeing... this gives me about 10 minutes to check my email and scroll through the Nordstrom sale for that week).
I hide in the shower... ( I will absolutely take several showers a day if it means I get 20 minutes to myself to actually THINK, PRAY, or SING along to Taylor Swift... so yes this means I am VERY clean and our water bill is VERY high.)
I hide in my car. (My trips to the "store" always take at least 30 minutes longer than they should... because I decide to sit in the quiet and count to 10... or in many cases... 100... over and over again.)
SECOND... I hide from my "To-Do" List... because I am a TOTAL procrastinator.
I hide from the laundry room (I assume that when my kids run out of underwear they will take the initiative and wash their own clothes.)
I hide from the grocery store. (I've embraced online shopping with a vengeance and have not stepped foot inside a Kroger in probably a year).
I hide from cooking dinner and bedtime rituals. (I admit it, I am SO tired by the end of the day we could own stock in UberEats and PostMates... and YES I even tell my 5 year old to tuck herself in sometimes.)
THIRD... I hide from hard things.. overwhelming things.
I hide from hard conversations. (I'm learning that it's my nature to apologize when I am the one hurting and I rarely stand up for myself.... I can fight for everyone else... but never for my own heart... my own hurt. So instead of bleeding out in front of the one who took the knife to my heart... I run.)
I hide from relationships. (You know the kind that force you to engage in unnecessary drama...nope.. can't take it... when that crap starts... I find the first open door and quietly exit the building.. never to be heard from again).
I hide from Facebook. (Social Media does pay my bills and has connected me with AMAZING people... but I've found myself running from the controversy, trolling, political rants, and passive aggressive people that I realize I should have never invited into my life in the first place...
I hide from my own truth and grief. I shelve it and push through... I bury it and keep going... I pretend like I'm all good... but ya know what....
I realize I can hide from so many things and from so many people... but I can't hide from myself.
I know I've been hiding too much when the chest pains start... when anxiety creeps in... when I lose sleep at night... It all screams "ENOUGH! Start paying attention to what is breaking your heart... to what is wearing you down...to the struggles that you wear like a heavy coat. ERICA... You can't pretend it doesn't hurt.... you can't pretend like you've got it all together... YOU DON'T. So...
STOP HIDING.
This new album... is me... it coming... at some point.. as soon as I stop hiding from it too :(
So I count to 10 and say out loud...
I'M.
NOT.HIDING.
ANYMORE.
I hope the album speaks to someone... and together we can tackle the hard things... so that one day... instead of hiding in the dark... we can step into the light... accepting the road we are on and recognizing we are on a journey...and even the hiding counts... even the hiding matters.. the question is... "Why do we hide?"
The way we get better? By getting honest....
"I hide because...."