You know that cliche term "My Come to Jesus Moment"... or the "Ahaaaa Moment" Oprah always talks about?
Yep.. had one recently...It seems turning 40 will do that to a girl. ;)
I've been taking stock of my life... going back into the deep end of my past... for a while now... 2 years to be exact... trying desperately to forgive, understand, unlearn, grow, prune, and rise..... within all that chaos in the brain... I started remembering my first few years of marriage....
Insert "deep sigh".
I was 19. A child really. I had left my family, married my high school love, immediately got pregnant....and had a baby... all in a 16 month time frame. I was trying to go to school, holding on to dreams slipping through my fingers and watching my husband chase his own path... every single day...
Before long, I was embracing a new normal... instead of calling myself a college student I was now identified as a stay at home mom... instead of working outside the home, I was changing diapers and finding myself more and more isolated as they days passed...
Don't get me wrong.. I LOVED my baby and I LOVED my husband... but I was angry with my current predicament and lonely... and for a 20 year old... that is a BAD combination.
I didn't yet know how to resolve conflict in marriage... I only knew how to whine and complain and stomp around like a teenager... I didn't know how to communicate with a boy growing into a man... when he was quiet it made me crazy... when he stepped into an argument... I almost ALWAYS started... it made me crazy. He could never win. When he would shut me out... and take the lead in stopping my crazy... I would stand even taller and puff out my chest and REFUSE to back down...
I was such a flipping brat.
I'll never forget the day my post pregnancy state caused me to lose my mind....
I had been home ALL day... again.
He had been gone ALL day... working... again.
I had made dinner... (I sucked at this by the way... most meals were NOT edible.... but I expected him to love everything I made...) bless his heart.
I had dinner on the table and he clearly was not interested in what I had made....but was carefully treading around the situation...
I tried to focus on all he was sharing about his day but I could only focus on ONE thing.... him... pushing the food around with a fork... trying to make it look like he had eaten it...he got up... walked over to the kitchen... to drop his dish into the sink....
It was over. The world stopped spinning...
I lost all control.
A rush filled my chest... (I blame hormones) and as I hurled words expressing all my pain and smacked him in the forehead with it... I also threw something else.....
A snow globe.
Not just any snow globe mind you.... you see he had given me a collection of snow globes over all the years we had dated... commemorating special moments... birthdays, anniversaries... the first kiss... etc.
I was so angry... and felt like he couldn't hear me... so the only choice I had in my mind was to MAKE him hear me.... so in a moment playing out as if in slow motion... I walked over to the fireplace... grabbed a snow globe.... turned.... and threw it clear across the room.....
NOT one of my proudest moments.
Glass went everywhere.... as did water... and GLITTER... Oh man..... I cannot tell you what a disaster it was...
Here is the sad part... because I was too young at the time to understand that my life situation was not abnormal... because I was too young to give grace and understand he was just trying to figure life out too... this snow globe throwing tantrum was NOT an isolated incident.
I probably had close to a dozen globes... and today... I only have a few left.... I managed to destroy most of them... in emotional outbursts where I was just begging to be heard...heard and understood by a young boy who promised to love a highly emotional... scared little girl trying to figure out how to grow up... way too soon....
So why am I telling you all this?
Ya know... recently he and I were driving home from out of state... as I was staring out the window... our first few years of marriage came flooding back to me... and I felt this intense need to apologize to him.... not that I hadn't already... because obviously I had ... here we are 20 years later... still married.. still learning.. every day. But I felt compelled to tell him... that it wasn't fair... that I had been wrong... that he didn't deserve to go through what he went through with me those first few years... I tearfully told him how much I wish it had been different...
His reply....
"We were just kids Erica... how could we ever hold on to pain from the past when every move we made was all part of just growing up".....
Grace. He didn't have to extend it... but he did.
I think about how much time we spend "growing up"... how much of our life is lived just trying to FREAKING FIGURE IT ALL OUT... how many relationships we lose during those seasons because we had too many expectations and not enough grace.
I may not have shelves of snow globes anymore... but I have mounds of grace...spread through my life like the glitter I never got out of those old carpets.... and that means more to me than any snow globe ever could...
P.S. DO NOT throw snow globes when you're mad... throw food.. or pillows... or tennis shoes... that glitter/glass/water combo is a real BEAR to clean up. ;)
XOXO,
Erica