"But if you want to, get it right this time, If you want to find truth, It's going to take all of your heart to get you there." Unknown.
I know it's been so long since I've posted here on the blog. Every time I sit down and start to reach out to all of you, I freeze. I've been smack dab in the middle of a creative space for several months now. I just finished writing for the record. 10 songs- a project that does a lot of pouring out... so to speak. It's taken me three years to get it to this point...and I still question if it's ready or not. I suppose that's because life continues to move at a pace I can't keep up with. Just when I think I've mastered the the story I want to tell... there is another chapter that unfolds...and I end up back in the writing room trying to capture it. On top of the album, I've been working on the book... Another 3-4 year adventure that I've wanted to quit at least 100 times. It has been the HARDEST thing I have ever set my mind to.
I knew that this would be the year I finished it all. It had to be... the year I finished BOTH the album and the book. It's been a hard road for sure.... mostly because I came to discover that my memories, the way I was writing and representing the past... wasn't REAL. I was sharing how I wanted to remember... how I wished it had been....it was all glossed over and made for TV so to speak... filtered and anything but raw and honest. There were elements of what I experienced.. but not really sharing what ACTUALLY happened. I suppose trauma and running from truth does that to you. It somehow twists the facts and we get to live in whatever house we decide to build with the rubble of what once was... what happened... all the things that caused our world to crumble.
I mentioned previously that I attended a private therapeutic retreat in September. It was mind blowing. I came home relieved in one way and tore up all at the same time. I was forced to face myself, the past, the present, and the God I trusted through the journey... the one who disappeared and went silent for a really long time.
He does that often doesn't he? I'd like to say that every time the burden is heavy... I can call on him and he will lift it as they all like to say... but in truth... sometimes the God I know... goes dark on me. Sometimes we start a road together, hand in hand, and then all of sudden.. he's gone.
THIS FACT... is what I have had trouble communicating and understanding for years now... When God disappears.... when he goes silent on me... is it a reflection of my faith? The spiritual community I had identified with for years would tell me YES... that God never leaves you and never forsakes you... and if you can't hear him... it's because you are not listening. In response to that... I begin to feel faithless, as though I asked for the trenches I'm stuck in...and finding my way out... is on me.
At one point during my retreat, my therapist started talking about the years of silence... the time when God went dark on his people and no one heard from him... for 400 freakin years.
It made me consider the fact that maybe I wasn't so crazy after all. Maybe God does go silent sometimes. I'm not crazy to wonder if he actually exists in the moments I need him and he doesn't show.... I suppose this is where faith steps in... where it's required to keep going. The truth is sometimes if I am very open with my TRUE feelings... I am angry that he left me alone in the dark... I am angry that he didn't "part the sea" and shift the ending... I grieve those he never healed or rescued. Being taught he can move mountains makes me wonder why he doesn't... move the freakin mountain.
I'm sure I am not the only one who can admit that cliches about WHY he doesn't "come through" means little to nothing when you're in the thick of loss or struggle. Who wants to hear "It was God's will it all ended this way" when you're breaking down on the inside? Not me. I want someone to sit with me and recognize THIS HURTS... and it's not okay. I don't wanna be told how to feel and what to believe... I want a REAL conversation with people who admit not everything can be buttoned up with a scripture verse and 2 minute prayer. Some things take longer to work through. Some things hurt for a very long time. Some pain.... never goes away.
I made the decision I would NOT bully myself and call myself faithless anymore... I would no longer run from the quiet space his distance sometimes creates... I would embrace it... I would ask the hard questions... rumble with my REAL heart stirrings...and it's okay to wonder. After all... I'm human.. and we need to all understand these days will come.. when we fight to understand what we cannot see.
Having said all that... I am trying to be more bold in my writing and working desperately to express the heart cry I've been suppressing for so many years. I don't know how it will all end up... what the last chapter of the book will say...and what the last song on the record will tell you...but I can promise this... it will be my very best try at tackling the questions and roads we all try to run from.
So there ya have it.... Why I've been MIA and what you can expect to hear from me... sooner than later.
P.S. Keep watching the blog for the online "LOVELIES" community launching soon as well as video blogs... We will be entering the studio and finishing the album SOON... and YOU get a front row seat.... actually I'm begging you to step inside the room with me... I'm not so good at being alone :) So make sure to subscribe...and Buckle up.. it will be a ride :)