I'm sure if you are like most of the country you've been waking up to record cold temps. Leaving the house is an absolute chore. For me this means slippers and PJ's are the outfit of choice and coffee by the fire will be the only goal for the day. AGAIN.
I suppose I appreciate the slow down. I feel like I have been running in a million different directions since... well... all of 2018. Especially the last 6 months.
It's honestly felt like a constant winter.
I don't dare step out into the world because the frigid reality may just blow me away... so I have lived in this state of hibernation... head down...laser focused... settling in on growth. and goals. and healing.
My days have been centered around TWO things...
1) Accomplishing what's been on my heart for years. Projects that have been taken down off the shelf... attempted.. and then returned to the shelf... or stuffed in a drawer because I didn't have the nerve to finish it.
2) Forgiveness. It's never been hard for me before... I am known as a serial OVER apologizer. If you hate the way something looks on you... or if you complain about the traffic... I will likely apologize to you for it as though it was something I instigated ;) But I have to admit... a betrayal...stole who I was and changed me. I wasn't good with that. I needed to find my way back. I needed to move on.
I was tired of being THAT person.
The person who couldn't finish what I started. The person who held on to pain and anger like it was a best friend.
I was tired of the brutal cold that had settled into my bones. I needed to break free from it.
I knew the only way out... was THROUGH it.
I made the decision I wouldn't end 2018 like I started... I made a promise that 2019 would be about finding my way back to ME again... after 10 years of stuffing her away. I made a promise that I would move on from the grudges eating away at my heart and I would be stronger than what hurt me.
So I decided to change. I made the decision and I didn't look back.
I took months to sort it out.. to dust off the emotions and the heartache... I gave center stage to what I hoped to achieve and nothing came before it. I was ruthless and over protective of the goals... selfish in a sense... but it's paid off.
I spent days at a time holed away in my creative space... downtown... away from distractions... and I just basically bled out.
The open heart surgery that needed to happen.... that I've talked about in past posts... I made it a priority... and I can honestly say... there has been so much healing. Am I all better? No... but I'm on the way.
You see I know so because I FINALLY finished my book... and when I wrote that last chapter I sobbed like a baby.... for days. It was a 3 1/2 year project I have been scared to death to actually complete. Annnd... I honestly whole heartedly have forgiven someone I love... even though we no longer cross paths... they will always always matter to me... and all the hurt that happened.. will never erase who they were to me. I refuse to let the pain win. So it won't. (Forgiveness is such a deep dive... I will post another time on it because it's an intense subject that needs it's own space for discussion.) And the amazing thing... I had lost hope in restoration... but I believe again. That means everything.
Now comes the hard part.
I have to open the front door and walk back into the world... with what I created while I was in hibernation. I am about to face re-entry.
I don't feel ready but I'm taking the steps.
This means I released my book to the editor. It's out of my hands now... I feel like I gave a child away. Now another person is wrapping their head around the stories in my heart... and it literally scares me to death. Soon the public will do the same thing... and it makes me wanna throw up and run back into my hiding place. But... I will NOT retreat. I will do this. I will brave the cold... because I know soon... SPRING is coming... and the fruits fo the labor... will be known. I just keep reminding myself I'm doing it for someone I love... and her story deserves to be heard.
My album is also set to release soon. Last night I sang the last round of vocals... we are in post production and I can't believe it's finally time. It also scares me... It's been so long since I've stood on a stage and held a mic in my hand... but this tour WILL happen... and I can't wait to see you all out there when we hit the road :)
I will choose relationship instead of building walls around my heart. THIS is the hardest of all.. pain does that to us I suppose. But I refuse to measure the good fruit in my life with baggage from the past. I will leave room in my heart for the ones who deserve space there... and I will make sure I deserve space too... becoming a better friend and confidant to those who need me. After all, relationships are two way streets... I recognize my failures and really want to be a better person... on every front.
So here we go. I have a mini meltdown every 24 hours... and my legs are shaking... but I will keep moving forward.
It's time to leave Winter behind. Not to mention the gas bill... for the freakin fireplace...That sucker has cost me loads of cash lately. ;)