This record has been a work in progress for years. I tend to carry life experiences, and stories with me for much longer than I need to. I guess you could say I'm really good at holding on to baggage. Eventually I pull it out, dust it off, and wrestle with it. Then I eventually write about it... and finally put it to rest.
That being said, when I was young I believed in the fairytale kind of love. The kind that stayed. The kind that never strayed. The kind that would outlast time. Then my faith in that kind of love was tested. I realized that people are imperfect and loving someone forever...is harder than it seems. What goes on behind closed doors is complicated, and brutally painful. Sometimes it doesn't end up the way we thought it would always be. I lost belief in trusting that anyone could love someone fully and intentionally. I became fearful... thinking that if those close to me couldn't withstand the test of time... couldn't prove faithful to all the vows promised... how would my life look any different. How could I expect a different outcome... we are all human after all.
I became fearful that my own husband would one day leave... that I wasn't enough. I knew it was my mind playing tricks on me. But I couldn't help but be afraid...
I can remember begging him to prove to me we would be different. I put all the faith I had in him and truly believed at that time in my life he was the ONLY sure thing. The ONLY safe place I would always have and be able to count on. I wanted him to help me escape the pain of what I was dealing with... I wanted him to take me far away from all of it.
And he did. He truly was my safe place to land... He carried me high above the pain of the situation and loved me while I wreaked havoc on our life with all my insecurities and grief.
Eventually my heart began to settle... I realized I couldn't expect perfection... My marriage and my life would turn out the way it turned out... I couldn't control it, fight it, or force anything.
I realized that if you look hard enough you'll find beauty in the breaking down of hearts and relationships.
Sometimes what's rebuilt, what's restored.... is stronger, more beautiful, standing taller... than what was built the first time around.
So there ya have it... my story behind HIGHER.
You can hear a soundbyte on Instagram :)