"I wouldn’t take it back
lessons learned hide in the pain of the past
I don’t wanna forget
how hard I fell or how much I bled
Every scar, every bruise
reminds me of the battle I didn’t lose
Every broken road
brings me closer to the edge of home"
This song came at me like a freight train the day I wrote it. My dad had sent me a text message that rocked me to my core.
You see I was raised in a church that didn't leave much room for mistakes. Nothing against it. I loved that church. Still do. Some of my most valued relationships started there. But as young kids we were taught to walk a tightrope. There were seasons I was so scared of taking a wrong turn I just refused to take steps at all. I also lived much of my life believing I couldn't wrestle with God. Asking questions would get me nowhere... so just don't.
Fast forward to last year. I called my parents and told them I was going away for a bit. To uncover and work through all the damaged pieces of my life. Adama was the big one... but I also had church trauma, family trauma, and the list goes on and on. I needed to break free. And I felt like they needed to know. I was a little nervous they wouldn't understand. Not because they were not amazing parents... but because I had kept most of my pain to myself and they knew little to nothing about it. I kept my struggles hidden from them.
Soon after the call, my dad sent me a text. He loves to speak in analogies. Or poems. That's exactly what I got that day. In his own way he told me that if a band of Angels came to him and told him that they could erase all of his sins... take him back to the beginning... to walk a different road....he wouldn't do it. He went on to say that all the good things in life come from the hardest places. The greatest love comes out fo the darkest spaces. So if it were up to him he wouldn't trade anything for the days he spent lost. That journey... brought him here.
He was, in his own way, trying to console my heart.
I finally felt in that moment that it was OKAY to get lost sometimes. It was as though he finally gave me permission to accept the dark spaces... we don't have to hide them.
Then, I sat down and wrote this song.
It's the last track on the album for a good reason. I want you to end your listening experience knowing that nomatter where you are in your journey... you will find your way back home. Don't worry about following some roadmap. Wander. Make mistakes. Learn from them. Allow the struggle to make you kinder. More compassionate. Let LOVE seep in all the cracks your journey has created.
It's OKAY to get lost sometimes.
**You can hear a soundbyte on Instagram**