I realize I have them sometimes. I feel like the roads I've chosen have led me to the front lines... alot. I'm used to battle, fighting for things. I get used to being smack dab in the middle of the hard place. When the tug of war ends, and the road opens ahead of me, sometimes I don't know how to handle that. So I naturally look for the next hard thing to chase.
The thing is, some battles go better than others. There are some mountains we take, and the journey doesn't last long... there are other mountains, where it feels like you are fighting for an eternity.
I'm climbing a mountain. Right now as I type. I've stared at this mountain for over 10 years. Attempted to climb it and then quickly got off that mountain... realizing I wasn't ready to scale it. It's a mountain with so many twists and turns... I can't possibly see the path or what the outcome is gonna look like... will I REALLY get to the top? Will I eventually own it?
Fear takes center stage... between me and the mountain... and I run the opposite direction.
Thing is eventually I got brave.
I finally started climbing. Now I'm too far up the mountain to turn around now. And even though I've gained ground... so much freakin ground. Even though I've made significant progress...
I'm still scared.
My anxiety makes an appearance almost every day. My heart beats so loud I can't think. I assess where I am and where I need to go, every hour on the hour. I criticize myself and anyone else in the ring with me... because I'm afraid of falling off this freakin mountain.
Yet I continue on.... one foot in front of the other. Most of the time completely blind to what is up ahead... where the unstable rock will cause me to lose my footing, where the path gets smooth allowing me to gain a few more steps in the right direction. I honestly don't know what I'm doing really. I suppose that's how it is for every unknown mountain we climb. No journey is the same. No mountain is identical. Each comes with their own set of obstacles, and there is no road map. No one can really give me guidance, because their mountain isn't built like mine.
Alas, here is where control issues enter into the picture. I really wanna dominate this mountain. I wanna own it. I wanna take it piece by piece and conquer it. But I have no control over the conditions or the complexity of the climb. All I can do is control one thing....
The giving up part.
I may climb this mountain and it may take me seasons upon seasons to get to the top... some think I may never get there. Maybe they're right. But they aren't climbing this mountain... I am.
The ONLY thing I can do today to control tomorrow.... is NOT GIVE UP.
Otherwise... I'll never get there. And what a shame it would be, to never know what tomorrow looks like... with a view from the top of a mountain that couldn't get the best of me.
So cheers this morning... to control issues. Cheers to saying